Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the eyesight behind Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical advancement-slash-luxury property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.

Certainly, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Rather than the standard Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are chatting Damascus, the city historically noted for historical culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.

"It should be large. Remarkable!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed in the Placing eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We've had beautiful ceasefires in Syria. Some of the finest. But now, we're developing them with balconies."

Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and totally outside of spot. Made by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:

A 3-ground On line casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour until eventually the drone flies")

Along with a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses noted combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 yrs for potable h2o. But Indeed, sure, let us have An additional spot wherever American Adult men can have on robes and contact it diplomacy."

Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, needless to say."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. foreign policy analysts are calling this by far the most audacious peace try considering that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst prior negotiations failed less than the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is less complicated: provide Everybody a suite on the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.

In accordance with files printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxurious diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"This is often comfortable energy," reported political strategist Trump Tower Damascus Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a deal plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock desires fewer diplomats and a lot more minibar updates."

What the Critics Are Screaming

International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms set up in Each individual unit. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity noted, "It is not that Trump shouldn't open a tower in a very war zone. It is that he should really quit making use of it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when requested with regard to the venture, replied, "You know, person, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Great people. Fantastic tan. Anyway, do I nevertheless have that ice cream?"

Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "upcoming proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit on the Levant."

Satellite Photos Expose… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the lodge's landscaping varieties a large Trump head noticeable from Area, a characteristic getting promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents plus the chin is… properly, categorized.

Environmental teams have filed lawsuits after acquiring the constructing's gold plating reflected so much sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set hearth to a local melon cart.

"It is not merely unsightly. It's a war crime with curtains," said Amnesty Global's regional director.

The Melania Wing as well as other Complicated Characteristics

Perhaps the strangest factor in the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:

A silent atrium where by visitors may possibly ponder imprecise disappointment

A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, entire with climate control set to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.

Regional Syrians are Not sure what to help make of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-yr-previous Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Marketing Method: "For those who Bomb It, They are going to Arrive"

The advertisement campaign, not too long ago leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A single poster reads:

"Peace is Short-term. Luxury is For good."

A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:

"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."

General public reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll conducted inside of a hookah lounge exhibits:

34% say "it'd stabilize the realm"

29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"

eighteen% stated "where's the closest elevator towards the West Lender?"

Investor Praise: "Eventually, a Crisis That Pays"

The job is presently attracting notice from Global buyers, like:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a foreign minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll obtain three penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."

As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial degree can even consist of:

A Greenback Store of Geopolitical Alliances

A Concept Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Place Based on the Iraq War

Comment Area Chaos

To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Can not wait around to discover a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades rather than rice."

User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Ultimately, a hotel in which my PTSD can have change-down support."

Yet another submit from @KuwaitiKardashian merely questioned:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Outcome

U.S. officials fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Experiences advise:

China could open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to make a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."

Final Feelings from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™

Inside of a closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:

"Damascus wanted hope. It needed gold. It essential a waterslide formed just like the Structure. I gave everything three. You are welcome."